Chapter Four: Jim

FALL WITH ME FOR A MILLION DAYS

Okay, I told him.

What the hell happens next?

I shouldn’t have said it. Doesn’t matter that it’s true, doesn’t matter that I wanted him, desired him, adored him, even, from the first second I saw him -- I shouldn’t have told Blair that I love him.

For the past three days, Blair’s been walking around like the sun is shining inside him. It’s all because he knows now that I love him -- and here I am, wishing I hadn’t said it. How can I regret saying something that makes him so happy? What does that say about me?

I’ve even thought of taking it back, of telling him that I just said it because I knew it was what he wanted to hear. He’d hate me, probably for the rest of his life… but wouldn’t it be better to end what happened between us here and now, before our hearts get any more tangled together? It’ll hurt us both. It’ll hurt like hell. But it won’t be any easier if I wait….

“Hey.”

My head jerks up as Blair drops to the bench beside me, and it takes me a few seconds to answer him. “Hi. I thought you and Mura would be gone longer.”

“No, she had to come back to feed Joramo. Besides, I think we found everything we were looking for -- Jim?” Damn, I thought I’d managed to hide my distraction, but he picked up on it right away. He frowns slightly as he looks into my eyes. “You’re not zoning out on me again, are you?”

“Nope.” I shake my head and go back to sharpening my razor. I wish I had another one, or maybe I wish Blair didn’t need it so often. He tried not shaving for a few days, but the itching drove him crazy.

“Are you sure?” he asks suspiciously.

“Blair, I was just thinking. Stop worrying, would you?” Like that’s going to happen -- ever since the other night, Blair’s been watching me constantly, making sure I don’t have any more episodes where I focus too intently on any one sense.

“Okay, okay.” Even though he doesn’t sound entirely reassured, he lets the subject drop. He stretches his arms above his head, easing sore muscles, as sensuous and unselfconscious as a cat. He smells of warmth and the sun and living, growing things. Dropping his arms, he groans, “Oh, man. The woman’s a slavedriver. She reminds me of the prof in an archaeology class I took -- hour after hour of scraping in the same piece of dirt….” Leaning against the outside wall of our hut, he rotates his head from side to side, working out the kinks until I can hear the bones in his neck crack.

In spite of my worries, I can’t help grinning at him. He and Mura have been scouting the area surrounding the new village, trying to find the herbs they need. They’re still trying to piece together what Chirigua told them -- damn, I still miss that old woman. She thought she’d have time to pass on her healing knowledge to another generation. That didn’t happen. Even so, Mura and Blair are doing a lot better than anyone expected. “So? You could have just told her you needed a break.”

“You really think she’d listen?” Blair grouses. Closing his eyes, he shoves his hair back from his eyes. “She takes after her father too much.”

After all this time, he’s still halfway scared of Kurali. And I think that’s the way Kurali likes it…. “So are you going to take him up on his offer?” I look down, not wanting Blair to see the smile on my face.

“No. No way, man. I mean, I’m sure he means well and all, but come on -- you really think he’s serious about teaching me to hunt and all that?”

“Yeah. Why not? If you play your cards right, he might even teach you to gut what you catch.”

“I’ll pass, thanks.”

“You sure? You don’t know what you’re missing.” I look up and put a serious expression on my face. After a few seconds’ thought, it becomes real. “Blair, it wouldn’t be a bad idea. Either he or I should teach you.”

Blair takes the razor from my hands and turns it over, examining it. “Why? Are we short of hunters at the moment?”

“No. You know we’re not.” And I know that he understands what I’m getting at. I wait for him to look up from the razor; when he doesn’t, I go on, “Blair, you’ve got to know how to take care of yourself out here. If something happens --”

“Nothing’s going to happen.” He hands the razor back to me. “Come on, Jim, you’re the one who told me that there’s next to no risk of war with another tribe anytime soon. I think you’re worrying too much.”

“I don’t think so. You’re right, there’s not much danger from enemy tribes right now. But that’s not the only risk. Someone could come from outside --”

“Someone like Vaughan.” Blair’s voice is flat and dead -- a frightening contrast to the sudden pounding of his heart. He folds his arms in front of his chest and looks away.

It takes me a minute to realize that this is the first time he’s said Vaughan’s name out loud in a long time. “Yeah. Someone like Vaughan.” I hate myself for reminding him -- but hell, maybe I should have done it earlier. It’s safe here in the village, but that doesn’t mean we’re safe from everything outside the village.

I test the edge of the blade with my thumb. It’s sharp enough. Putting it away, I look at Blair. He’s staring up at the sky, blinking hard. I don’t think it’s the sun that’s bothering him.

Sighing, I put a hand on his shoulder. He doesn’t tense up or move away from me, but he doesn’t respond the way he usually does, either. All the same, I say, “Look, would you at least give it a try? As a favor to me, if nothing else. It’ll make me feel better.”

After a moment, he looks down at me and smiles slightly. His voice is a little shaky when he speaks, but there’s a spark of humor in it that reassures me. “Well, since you put it that way… sure. I’m not promising to turn into Rambo or anything, but I’ll give it a try.” He doesn’t add, but only because you want me to. I hear it anyway.

“Thanks.” I smooth his hair back from his forehead. “I just -- I’ll feel better if I know you can take care of yourself.”

“Or at least put up some kind of fight?” he asks quietly.

I nod reluctantly. “If it comes to that… yeah.”

“Yeah,” he echoes me sadly.

In spite of the heated, moist air we’re almost swimming in, a chill runs down my back. I promised him once that nothing would happen to him, that I’d take care of him….

It can’t be helped. “I’ll talk to Kurali if you want me to -- he’ll probably want to get started as soon as possible.”

“Okay.” He gives me another half-hearted smile. “Hey, who knows -- I might be good at this, right?”

“Right.” It’s for the best, right? I can’t be with him every minute of the day -- in fact, there might come a time when I can’t be with him at all.

* = * = * = * = *

“Oh, geez. I am never doing that again,” Blair mumbles into my chest.

“Kurali told me you did pretty well,” I say encouragingly.

Blair raises his head to look at me; it’s just enough movement to start the hammock we’re lying in gently swaying. “Really? He said I did all right?”

I hesitate. “Well --”

“I knew it.” Blair drops back down. “I blew it, didn’t I? Kurali told you that I messed up bigtime, and you’re just trying to make me feel better.”

Laughing, I rub my hand up and down his side. “Actually, what he said was that you did better than he expected, considering that you weren’t sure which end of the knife to hold at first.”

“Oh, God. I can’t believe he actually told you about that….” Blair rolls over on his back and glares up at me. “And you think it’s funny. Admit it.” Accusation and humor mingle in his voice.

“Uh-huh.” I sit up on one elbow and lean over him, threading my fingers through the soft, thick curls on his chest.

Blair arches up to meet my touch, but keeps talking. “This ‘learn how to fight, Blair’ business was all your idea. You haven’t forgotten that, have you?”

“Nope.” I slide my hand down to rest on his hip.

“Then you should stop making fun of me --” Blair’s words trail off into a gasp as I take hold of his cock.

Bending down, I brush my lips against his. “Okay. I’ll stop making fun of you.”

“Oh, good,” he breathes against my lips. He stiffens in my hand, responding to my touch. Struggling for breath, he whispers, “Uhhh, Jim? There’s something I’ve been meaning to bring up.”

I circle the tip of his shaft. “So I see.”

“Besides that. This might not be the right way to ask you -- well, okay, it’s probably kind of appropriate, given what’s going on right now --”

“Can it wait until later?” I nibble at his earlobe, sucking the warm, lush flesh into my mouth.

“No. Well, yeah, it could wait, but I don’t really want it to wait, so it might be better to ask now and --”

I pull my mouth away from his ear, but keep up my steady stroking of his cock. “If I let you ask your question, will you try to keep your mind on what we’re doing here?”

He nods. “Oh, yeah.” He gulps, then blurts, “Jim, I want you to fuck me. I mean, I really want you to fuck me.”

“You want me to….” I gape down at him.

Swallowing hard, he returns my stare. “Fuck me.”

Dimly, I realize that my hand has stilled on his cock. I can’t make myself resume my movements, and I can’t make myself let go. “I… can’t.”

Blair’s eyes are dark with disappointment. Moving gently, he pulls himself out of my hand. “Can’t… or won’t?”

“Won’t. Can’t…. It’s the same thing, Blair. I can’t do that. Don’t ask me to, all right?”

“Come on, Jim --”

“No.” My answer is a lot sharper than I want it to be. I regret it at once, but I don’t have time to apologize before Blair starts talking again.

“Damn it, Jim -- have I ever said no to you? About anything?” My heart twists at the mingled anger and hurt in Blair’s voice. “Tell me when I ever refused to do something you wanted.”

“…No. I can’t. That’s never happened.”

“Then why --”

I interrupt him. “It’s because you’ve never said no.” I finally look up at him, and wish I hadn’t. The pain, and the confusion -- God, how do I live with myself, knowing that I put that expression on his face?

He deserves an answer, though. I take a deep breath and try to steady myself. “Do you remember that first night?” He doesn’t answer, but then, it’s not like he needs to. He couldn’t forget it any more than I could. “You never told me no then, either.”

Blair manages a shaky laugh. “Yeah, well, I really couldn’t say no, could I?”

Shaking my head, I look up at the ceiling. “No. You couldn’t. And you still can’t.”

“What?”

“Blair… you couldn’t tell me no then. I understand that. You didn’t have any choice --”

“I do not believe this. Okay, so I wasn’t in a position to turn you down. But in case you’ve forgotten, you couldn’t exactly say no either, could you? That doesn’t have anything to do with how I feel about you now.” The hammock starts rocking as Blair sits up. “So why are you freaking out about it after all this time?”

“I don’t know.” Putting a hand over my head to grasp the post, I steady our movements. “Look, are you unhappy with what we do? In bed, I mean.”

He won’t look at me, but he shakes his head. “No.”

I sit up carefully, making sure we don’t overbalance and tumble to the ground. “I don’t understand the problem, then --”

“Yeah, I’ve figured that out on my own.” Blair’s voice is more wry than angry now. He rubs the back of his neck and finally looks at me. “Jim, I’m not unhappy, or unsatisfied. If you need to hear me say it, I love what goes on between us. Your ego is safe. It’s just that -- I want more, okay?”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” he asks softly.

“Damned if I know.”

Sighing, he wraps his arms around me. “I told you that we need to work on your communication skills….” We lie down together, his head on my chest. “Are you afraid of hurting me? Is that it? Because -- well, I’ve done it before, and I know what to expect. And anyway, I trust you not to hurt me.”

“Blair, I know you trust me… that’s why I can’t -- that’s why I don’t want to… penetrate you.” Nice phrasing, Ellison. Could you make it sound any more clinical?

“You know that I want it, you know I trust you, and that’s why you won’t do it.” Blair is quiet for a few seconds. “Okay. You lost me.”

Struggling for words, I try to explain. “I believe you when you said you trusted me. That’s not the problem. I don’t trust myself.” He tries to say something but I override him. If I stop talking, I’ll never figure out what I want to say. “I’m afraid that if I start, I won’t know when to stop. I don’t know if I would be able to stop. I’m afraid that even if you did tell me no, I wouldn’t listen.”

“Jim --” Blair takes a slow, deep breath. “I don’t think you could do anything to me that I didn’t want.”

I close my eyes. “You don’t know that.”

“Actually --”

“I don’t know that,” I say desperately. “I’m sorry, Blair. I’m really sorry, but I just don’t think I can give you what you want.”

Blair is silent for what feels like forever. Then his arms tighten around me. “Okay. I guess we don’t need to decide this tonight. But would you promise to at least think about it?”

Think about it? Oh, I don’t think that’ll be a problem. But all I tell him is, “Yeah. I’ll think about it.”

“Thanks,” he sighs. He doesn’t make any move to resume our lovemaking, but he doesn’t pull away from me, either. While I’m trying to think of a way to explain what I’m afraid of, I fall asleep.

* = * = * = * = *

To my relief, Blair doesn’t bring up the subject again. I’m grateful that my refusal hasn’t put up any walls between us… all the same, I hate knowing that he needs something I can’t give him.

Kurali keeps up the lessons for about a week. Blair does a lot better than he expected, but all of us know that no matter how hard he tries, he’ll never be a fighter.

There’s one unexpected benefit, though -- after spending some time together, he and Kurali are finally getting a little more comfortable with each other. They’re not buddies, nothing like that. But a tentative respect seems to be growing between them.

That doesn’t keep Kurali from grumbling, “I am wasting my time with him.”

“Possibly. But if he can defend himself a little, I’ll be happy.” We’re not worried about Blair overhearing -- he and Manamo are down by the river, fishing.

“If he knew how to be quiet, I could at least teach him to hunt.”

“Do you think he could be a hunter?”

“Perhaps. He might be able to kill an animal.” Kurali glances over at me. “He could not kill a man,” he says, certainty in his voice.

“If he had to --”

Shaking his head, Kurali says, “No. Not to protect himself, at least. To defend someone else….” He thinks for a moment, then shrugs. “Perhaps. I doubt it. He could stab, but only to give himself enough time to run. To kill anyone else would kill him.”

I shrug in turn. In my heart, I know he’s right. To change the subject, I jerk my head in the direction of his hut. “What do you think of that?” Mura is standing in the doorway, doing her best not to smile as Hisi tries to play with her son. Joramo doesn’t seem impressed, but the warrior isn’t giving up.

Kurali snorts. “That one brings nothing but himself. Most of the others bring meat for the evening meal, or necklaces….”

“Does Mura like necklaces?” I ask blandly. Kurali looks at me sharply, but doesn’t reply. He turns away, but not before I catch a glimpse of his smile.

Abruptly, he asks, “What about you and Blair? Have you claimed him yet?”

I bite back my answer. Doesn’t make any difference. Kurali looks at me, then shakes his head in disgust. “You are a fool.”

“So you tell me.”

“It is the truth. You need it… and he needs it.” Not giving me a chance to say anything, Kurali stands and goes back to his hut. He dismisses Hisi curtly. Mura calmly bends to pick up her son, but she watches under her lashes as the warrior leaves.

Wearily, I get up and go into my hut. Sitting down at the table, I close my eyes. Blair wants me to fuck him. Kurali sure thinks it’s a good idea… hell, maybe I should put it up to a vote. I could just go out there and ask for a show of hands from the Direma, see how many of them think I should do it….

But no one else’s opinion matters -- not about this. The stakes are too high.

I’m alone now. I can be honest with myself -- I want it just as much as Blair does. But I want him even more. I don’t like the thought of denying him something he wants so much, but if the alternative is hurting him -- if the alternative is going too far, taking the relationship somewhere we can’t return from -- then that’s what I’ll have to do.

* = * = * = * = *

“I still don’t see why we have to do this.”

“Because I say so,” Blair says calmly. Setting down the bag he’s carrying, he puts his hands on his hips and looks up and down the riverbank. “Before you ask -- I cleared it with Kurali already. We have a few hours before anyone comes looking for us, so we’ll have time to do some work on your senses.”

Shrugging, I seat myself on a rock. “We couldn’t have done that back at the village?”

“Not unless you want to get interrupted every few minutes. Look, Jim, we’ve put this off long enough, don’t you think?”

I spread my hands in surrender. If it’s that important to him…. “So what do we do first?”

“First, we close our eyes.” He kneels and rummages through the bag. He looks up at me sternly. “I mean it. Close your eyes.”

I do what he says. “Fine.”

A few moments go by. “What do you hear?”

“You.” The answer comes automatically.

“Me?” Blair sounds so surprised that I open my eyes. He’s staring up at me, an odd, vulnerable light in his eyes. The bag he was looking through sits forgotten in front of him.

I nod. “You. I hear you. Your heartbeat, your breathing -- I can hear the blood in your veins….”

“Were you listening to me deliberately?” I can tell that Blair is trying to keep his voice detached and professional, but I’m picking up something else -- pleasure?

“I don’t think so. I think --” I break off, trying to decide how to put it without revealing too much. “It’s like I always have you in the background. Whatever else is going on, I think a part of me is always listening for you.”

“Oh.” Blair looks down, breaking eye contact. He takes a deep breath and says, “Okay. That’s… good to know. Can you filter me out?”

“I’m not sure….” I’m not sure if I can do it. More than that, I’m not sure if I want to try.

“Give it a shot. Listen to the river. Listen to the water moving over the rocks.”

Sighing, I try to do what he says. Water. Rocks. Birds in the trees, wind in the leaves, the rustle of clothing….

My eyes pop open. Blair’s watching me as he continues taking off his clothes. What the hell? His face is calm, but his heart -- God, how did I ever manage to tune that pounding out for even a second?

My mouth dry, I look at him. There’s something in his eyes, an intensity that doesn’t match the situation at all. Trying for a light tone, I say, “If you just wanted to fool around, we could have done that back at the village. Saved ourselves some walking.”

He shakes his head. “That’s not what I have in mind.” There’s a tremor in his voice that he doesn’t even try to hide. Folding his T-shirt with excessive care, he lays it carefully on the ground, next to his discarded shoes.

“Blair -- stop.” I don’t know where he’s going with this. No. I know exactly where he’s going. And it scares me to death.

Blair pauses in the act of unzipping his jeans. He’s not wearing anything underneath. “You want me to stop? Do you mean that?”

“Yes.”

He stands in front of me. His jeans are gaping open, the cloud of soft, thick hair leading down, defining the path I want to take…. “Why? Why do you want me to stop, Jim?” I don’t answer. I can’t. Blair keeps talking as he slowly eases his jeans back, exposing his hips. “I’ll stop on one condition. Tell me you don’t want me. Tell me you don’t want all of me.” He takes a step closer, then another. He stops just out of my reach. “Because all of me is exactly what I want you to have.”

I can feel the heat coming off his body, and I can smell his arousal. And I can see the uncertainty lurking at the back of his eyes. “You’re afraid. Don’t try to tell me you’re not -- I can tell what you’re feeling, and you’re afraid. You know you are --”

“Yeah.” Another inch closer. I can’t keep my eyes off his crotch, off the way his cock is swelling, reaching toward me. “That doesn’t mean I don’t trust you. What I want to know is, do you trust me?”

My eyes jerk up to his face again. “What are you -- Blair, of course I trust you --”

“No, you don’t. Not really.” He’s close enough to touch now. His voice is low, and shaking, and unbearably loving. “You don’t trust me to know what I want, what I need. And you don’t trust me to give myself to you, in whatever way we both want. And I know what you want.” Blair reaches out to me, his fingers as soft as dreams on my face. “Because I want it, too.”

“What do I want?” I can barely get the words out. My head is filled with his scent, and all I can see is his eyes, wide and dark and full of need and pulling my soul into his.

He leans close. His hands rest on my shoulders. Bending down, his breath brushing against my ear, he whispers, “You want me. You want me the way you were supposed to take me the first time.”

I reach up to grab his wrists. I tell myself it’s to push him away, that he doesn’t know what he’s saying, he doesn’t know what he’s asking for --

But I don’t push him away. As soon as I’m holding him, I feel something click in my brain, sending tendrils of energy straight down to my cock. And I know there’s no way I can let him go until I’ve had him.

Standing up, I hold his hands down by his sides. He stares up at me, breathing hard -- but there’s no tension in his body as he leans into me, his flesh warm and solid against mine.

One last try. “We can’t -- we don’t have any kind of lube --”

“In the bag.” I stare down at him, shocked. As I search his eyes, I finally identify the uncertainty I saw earlier. He’s afraid, but he’s not afraid of me. He’s afraid of me not wanting him, of being rejected… how could I have missed that? How long has he been feeling that way?

As carefully as I can, I move his hands behind him, grasping both wrists in one of my hands. “There’s no going back from this, Blair,” I warn him as I lift my fingers to his face, stroking the curve of his cheek.

“I know,” he breathes as he rubs his face against the palm of my hand, his tongue deliberately slipping into the cracks between my fingers. I’m not holding him that tightly; he could break my grip easily if he tried. He’s not trying, though. He doesn’t want to get away. He wants to be with me….

I slip my hand back, threading through his hair, coming to rest on the base of his skull. I press his body against mine, hard. He doesn’t protest; in fact, he grinds his hips against me.

Pulling his head back, I stare down at him. His eyes are closed, lips parted and moist… I can see the pulse in his throat, fluttering beneath the skin. I cover it with my lips, drawing the vibrations into myself. He moans, and the sound and feel of it sends shockwaves through my entire body.

It’s not enough. I need to hold him, I need both hands free….

I force one corner of my brain to stay rational, to look for any sign of fear or reluctance as I push him to the ground. I can’t sense anything but a desire to match my own. All the same, I gasp, “Blair -- when you say stop, we stop.”

He opens his eyes. “I know.” That’s all he says, but his words carry a wealth of trust and confidence in me. Neither of us says anything more as he turns over to lie on his stomach.

My hands shaking, I fumble for his discarded shirt and tie his hands together behind his back. It’s not tight, it’s not enough to hurt him. It’s just to let him know that any moving he does is at my wish. It’s to let him know that he belongs to me, and that he belongs with me.

When I’m done, I take a moment to look down at him. His head is turned to the side, hair obscuring his face. Rather than pushing it aside, I rest my hands on his shoulders. I can feel the fine tremors coursing through his body, and I know they’re all for me.

He’s all for me. He’s mine.

Blair shivers as I run my fingers down his sides, and he squirms back against me. My hands come to rest on his hips, just above the waistband of his jeans. Slipping my hands inside the denim, I reach underneath him. He groans as I run a single finger along his cock, just enough to test the hot, swollen length of him.

Then I’m pulling his jeans down past his ass, taking my time about it. I stop when they’re down around his knees. I pull back to look at him, naked and helpless and waiting and aching for me.

Not yet. We’ve waited too long for this -- now that we’ve crossed this line, I’m not rushing through anything. I take my time about stripping off my own clothes, letting my eyes roam over him.

Kneeling down, I kiss the soft, exposed skin of his left thigh, just below the curve of his buttocks. He gasps in surprise, then moans as I start licking the crease of flesh.

I move over to the other side and give it the same treatment. At the same time, I rest my hands on the warm, smooth flesh of his ass, rubbing just a little roughly. I feel the muscles twitch under my attentions. Blair tries to spread his legs further apart, but he’s trapped by the jeans bundled around his knees. I can feel his frustration building along with his desire as I pull away from him.

He draws in his breath sharply as I press my lips to the small of his back. I slip my tongue into the cleft -- small, darting caresses, slowly moving down, that I know will drive him crazy.

He whimpers as I finally reach his anus. Spreading his cheeks apart with my fingers, I just barely flick my tongue against the entrance to his body. A guttural, wordless plea bursts out of him as he tries to buck against me. I think about teasing him some more, making him wait, making him beg… but I don’t. This is about his pleasure, every bit as much as it is about my own.

I run my tongue around the tight ridge of muscle. I taste him, the warm, musky flavor filling my senses -- I didn’t expect to like it so much. But it’s Blair, it’s his essence, it’s part of him, and I love it as much as I love everything else about him.

Blair is chanting my name helplessly. He starts thrusting against the soft, warm earth as I probe him, my tongue diving as far into the tight passage as I can go.

Just as I sense his climax building, I flip him over. His eyes flicker open and he stares at me, dazed, as I yank his jeans all the way off. Ignoring his weeping shaft as I straddle him, I slide my hands down his chest in long, sweeping caresses. He tries to rise up to meet me, trying to find some kind of friction to bring him release.

That’s what I’m here for.

I kneel between his legs and hold his cock in one hand, clasping the hot, taut flesh. I use the other to grab the bag and pull it over. My fingers reach inside and pull out the small pot of salve that they find.

He’s thrusting against me now, too close to think of anything but his approaching orgasm. I stare at his face as he comes, exploding all over my hand -- it’s over too soon for me to catalogue the succession of emotions that I see in his features. But the satisfaction is all I need to see.

His muscles weak and spent, Blair sags back against the ground. I think at first that he’s too exhausted to register anything that I do, but he arches upward at once when I slide a finger coated with salve and his semen into his ass. He groans and clenches his muscles around me, trying to move down as I add a second finger.

I rotate them around inside him, stretching him as carefully as my need for him allows. But my cock is hard, and it hurts, and I need to be in him now.

Taking my hand away, I push his legs up and hook them over my shoulders, exposing his asshole. I tell myself to do it slowly, to give him time to adjust to me -- but as I place the tip of my cock against him, hunger takes over and I enter him in one movement.

He cries out, and I freeze. “Blair -- ?”

He shakes his head wildly. “Do it….”

So I do. I pull out of him a few inches, and wait until he groans in dismay. Then I slam into him as deep as I can go. I pull out, and ram in again, taking him hard. My fingers bite into the flesh of his thighs, and he’s rising to meet me, clutching me -- I feel him holding me, and I smell sweat and semen and the jungle, and I hear his cries and the slapping of flesh against flesh and everything blurs together, and everything in the world disappears into a hot golden haze.

I don’t know how long we lie together afterward. Shadows lengthen around us, and Blair sighs and wriggles against me as I lick every inch of his body clean.

Finally, I come up to gather him in my arms. He curves into me, burying his face against my neck. “There. That wasn’t so bad, was it, Jim?”

Unable to keep from laughing, I kiss his shoulder, running my tongue across the tattoo. My mark. He’s mine. He’s really mine now. “You had an awful lot of faith in me, didn’t you?”

“Uh-huh.”

“What if I got mad instead, Blair? What if I’d just walked off and left you like this?” My hand slides down his arm, and I free his wrists.

Blair won’t quite look at me as he puts his arms around my waist. “I wasn’t worried.”

“Maybe you should have been -- Blair?” Cupping a hand under his chin, I force him to meet my eyes. He does, without a hint of reluctance, but there’s something…. “You’re not telling me something.”

He shrugs. “I knew you wouldn’t leave me out here, no matter how furious you were.”

No. There’s still something else…. “Tell me the rest.”

I can almost see his brain working, trying and discarding explanations. “Well… I told you that I cleared it with Kurali, remember?”

“Yeah, but… you don’t mean….” The truth hits me. “Oh, God.” I stare at him, and he has the courtesy to blush. “Kurali knew about this.”

“No! Well, that is…yeah.”

“The two of you set me up?” I can’t decide what shocks me more: the thought of Blair confiding in the elder, or the thought of Blair and Kurali cooperating on anything.

Blair starts talking. Babbling. “I wouldn’t call it a set-up, Jim. Not really. Okay, yeah, he knew what I had in mind, and he --”

I interrupt Blair’s stream of explanations. “This was his idea?”

“Of course it wasn’t his idea! I mean, he did say…. Well, he didn’t exactly suggest this, but we talked about it, and…. You’re mad at me. I know you are.”

I think it over. “I’m not,” I say in surprise.

“You’re not what?”

“I’m not mad.”

“Okay, that’s understandable, it’s something you weren’t -- you’re not angry about this?”

“No.” I reach up and push his sweat-soaked hair out of his eyes. “But -- Blair, sooner or later, you’ll have to leave. I don’t know if I can give you up.” I hate how naked, how needy my voice sounds. I’m supposed to be the strong one.

He kisses my forehead, my cheeks, my chin. “Then don’t. Either you come with me, or we stay here.”

“Blair --”

“Uh-uh.” He kisses my lips softly. “I’m getting used to having my way.” Another kiss, deeper and sweeter this time.

And I realize that I never had a chance against him.