Chapter Five: Blair

OUT HERE IN THE STARS

I stare down at my shoes, trying to figure out why they don't feel right... oh, yeah, there's the problem. The left shoe goes on the left foot. Man, talk about afterglow. My brain's nothing more than a happy little puddle, and it's next to impossible for me to think about anything but Jim fucking my happy little puddled brain out.

He sits down next to me. "Blair -- "

Uh-oh. He's wearing his serious face again. Well, it might be a little more accurate to say he's trying for the serious face -- he's got this adorable goofy smile that just won't go away. I scoot over so I'm sitting right up against his side, and the smile goes up a notch in spite of his efforts to squelch it.

God. How can this happy guy share the same body with good old angst-ridden Jim Ellison, Mr. Stoicism himself? And how do I get to see more of him? "Yes, oh jungle god?"

"Stop it. We need to talk about what happened."

At the moment, discussing anything is the last thing on my mind. Maybe I should crawl in his lap and stick my tongue down his throat. Then we wouldn't have to talk about any of this....

Reluctantly, I discard that idea. He's right -- this is something we need to figure out. As I finish retying my shoelace, I say, "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Yeah."

I wait, but he doesn't say anything more. So it looks like it's up to me to get this conversation going. Why am I not surprised? Okay, Sandburg. Time to break out one of those open-ended questions you like so much. "Well... how do you feel about it?"

"I feel...." He trails off, staring over the river, and then glances at me again. The happiness melts away as shadows gather in his eyes. Just when I'm about to try another question, he finishes his thought. "I shouldn't have done that."

"We did it, Jim. Actually, if you want to split hairs, it was my idea, remember? I'm the one who roped you into it, if you'll pardon the expression." I'm trying to lighten the situation, but it doesn't seem to be having any effect on him.

"Blair -- " He's holding his bandana between his hands, twisting it into an almost unrecognizable mass. "I tied you up. I fucked you. You expect me to believe that you wanted that?"

It's getting a little hard to stay patient, but I do it for his sake. "Yeah. I told you how much I wanted it, every second of it."

"I could have hurt you."

"Actually, I don't think you could hurt me."

"I'm glad one of us is sure of that."

I don't like how low and rough his voice is. God, he's really worried about this. "Jim -- you told me that you knew what I was feeling, remember? That's why I don't think you're capable of hurting me."

I hold up a hand to interrupt him when he starts to say something. "I don't know for sure what's behind it. I'm not ready to say I believe this -- not without some kind of testing or research or whatever -- but in your case, you might be picking up things with your senses that your conscious mind can't process. You know -- body language, non-verbal cues, things like that. If things ever got out of hand, I think you'd know that, too. I'm not sure what we could do to either prove or disprove that, though, short of -- "

This time, Jim interrupts me. "If you don't mind, could we worry about that some other time?"

"Sorry."

He's quiet for a few seconds, staring at the bandana in his hands. He won't look at me; when he finally starts talking again, his voice is even more ragged. "So will you please tell me how I'm any different from Vaughan?"

Different from... oh, God. That's what's bothering him. I grab his shoulder and pull him around to face me. "Listen to me, Jim. I don't think I want to talk about him, so this is going to be a short conversation -- but what happened between us has nothing to do with him."

"Nothing to do with him."

"Right."

"So I have permission to take you out in the jungle and rape you? Because that's what he had in mind. Is that what you wanted from me? Is that how you like to be treated, Blair?" Coming from anyone else, those words would be enough to send me into a blind rage. But this is Jim; I can hear the pain and self-hatred in his voice and see it in his eyes.

"No. That's not what it was, and I don't want you thinking that way. You think I just let you do things to me? You think I didn't love the way you took me?" He won't answer me, but at least he's not looking away. "Jim, what Vaughan wanted to do -- he wanted to destroy me. Physically, emotionally, every way he could think of -- he wanted to erase me. There's nothing like that in you."

He closes his eyes. "You don't know that."

"Actually, I do." I'm not sure where this certainty comes from, but it's there, filling every bit of me. Jim could never hurt me. It's simply not an option for him.

Well, wherever my conviction is coming from, at least a little seems to finally work its way into Jim. He looks at me, then stares across the river. "I don't like it. I don't like being afraid to touch you, worrying that I might go too far one day."

"We could always set up a safeword or something -- you know, I say 'elephant' or something, and you stop whatever it is that you're doing...." Even as I say it, I reject the idea. It doesn't feel... right.

Jim seems to agree with me. Shaking his head, he says, "No. Whatever this thing is between us, I don't want to turn it into a game. 'Red light, green light, go ahead and fuck me while I pretend to say no'... I don't want that, Blair. Whatever happens between us -- I want it to be real. And I'd rather not have you at all than -- " He finally looks back at me, apology in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I guess I was hoping that between the two of us, we'd be able to find an answer to this."

I take his hand in mine. "We will. It just won't be today. We have time, Jim. We don't need to find all the answers right now."

He looks down at our joined hands. "Blair -- I don't know how you're going to react to this, but until we do figure out what's going on, I don't think we should -- I mean, if you want to, I'll try, but -- " He takes a deep breath. "I don't think we should do this too often."

"I agree."

"You do?" His voice lifts in surprise, and something of the endearing loopiness returns to his face. "This is a day to remember."

Shrugging, I squeeze his fingers in mine. "I really loved you fucking me, Jim. I mean, I really loved it -- all of it. But I don't want you doing anything you're not comfortable with just to make me happy. I hope we do it again sometime, but not until both of us are ready to handle the implications."

Jim doesn't say anything; he just puts an arm around my shoulders. We sit at the river's edge, watching the water travelling past us. After a long time, he asks, "You're sure about all this? I mean, if I ever did anything that you didn't like, you wouldn't keep quiet?"

"Trust me. I'd speak up if you ever did anything to me that I didn't want. Besides, Jim, just being practical, if we do this more frequently than once in a while I will not be able to walk."

His arm tightens around me. "I can think of worse things."

Even though he sounds like he's just thinking out loud, I want to tell him that I agree; I want to tell him that I can't think of anything that sounds better than being fucked until I can't move, or even think. But I don't want to press my luck.

After a few moments, Jim shrugs and his voice lightens. "And speaking of walking...." He stands up and pulls me up after him. "We should probably get back to the village before they start to think we were eaten by wild animals."

Following his lead, I say, "You're probably right. I told Kurali to check on us after a while." Tilting my head back, I peer at the sky and try to figure out how much time has passed. "I don't really know how he defines 'a while,' though. Do you think he was checking up on us?"

"I never heard him."

"Were you listening for him?" I ask as we gather our things together.

"Not exactly." And my heart flops around in my chest as he gives me another dazzingly goofy smile.

So we head back to the village, and go back to our lives. We don't do it again, but I don't mind a bit. I think it was the last barrier between us, and even if we never go beyond the lovemaking we had before the river's edge, that's enough. We both know now that we have someplace to go if we want to.

Things never stay perfect, do they?

Jim is pacing up and down our hut. I wish it were bigger, because I'm getting dizzy just looking at him. He looks like a caged animal in a zoo. "We don't know who they were."

"No. And that is why they are a danger to my people." Kurali folds his arms and glares at Jim, and at me.

Forcing myself to meet his eyes, I stare back and try to look like none of this is my fault. I'm not sure how convincing I am. Mura sits beside me; she doesn't bother to try to hide the worry in her eyes.

I can hear fragments of conversations leaking through the walls. The Direma are on the verge of panic; they don't know who the people Manamo saw are, and they don't care. They just want them kept as far away as possible.

"Jim -- " He stops pacing when I speak. "From the way Manamo described them, it sounds like the men he saw were Americans. And if they kept coming in this direction, they're probably only two days away. If they follow the river -- "

"Manamo wasn't sure which direction they were headed." Jim goes back to pacing.

"He was sure they were not headed away from us," Kurali says sternly. "That means -- "

"That means we cannot be certain where they were going, Father. We cannot make a decision yet." Mura's interruption is both firm and gentle, and we all look at her in surprise. She glances at me, one eyebrow raised.

I get the message. Turning to Kurali, I say, "Kurali, could Jim and I speak alone?" He doesn't budge. I take a deep breath and try again. "Please."

"Father -- " Mura stands up and puts a hand on Kurali's elbow. "We have a little time yet to reach a decision." He's obviously not happy, but he lets his daughter lead him out of the hut.

When they're gone, Jim lets out his breath explosively. He drops down on the bench across from me. Switching to English, he murmurs, "We don't know which way they're heading. They might not even find the village. And even if they do -- Blair, we don't know that they'd be a threat."

"You saw how Kurali was acting -- hell, the entire tribe is in an uproar. They're terrified that they're going to be attacked. Even if they're not, they'll have to move again. We can't ask them to do that for us... we don't have any choice, Jim." I can't believe how despairing my voice sounds. When did getting back to civilization become the last thing I wanted to do? I fold my hands tightly in front of me, trying to keep control of myself. "Kurali said... he said the soldiers were a threat to his people. Not to us, but to the tribe."

Jim stares at the table between us. I can't see his eyes, but I can imagine the expression on his face. Mine probably isn't much different. "You told me that the Direma had to move to protect themselves from other tribes and the outside. You don't get much more outside than the U.S. Army."

"I... know," Jim says reluctantly.

Swallowing hard, I go on. "And we really can't blame Kurali for wanting to keep those soldiers away from the village. I mean, the alternative is picking up and moving again, and this place is too good to leave." I stop talking before my throat can close up any more.

Jim shakes his head slowly, but he doesn't look up at me. "I always promised you that when the Direma were settled, I'd get you out of the jungle, didn't I?"

"Uh-huh."

"Yeah. So that's what I'll do."

"And you're coming with me." I make sure it doesn't sound like a question. Jim doesn't say anything in response. "Jim, I'm sorry but I can't leave you. I just... can't." I wish I was thinking more clearly. Then I'd be able to think of a brilliant argument; something that could convince Jim that of course our leaving together is the only logical solution. But all I can come up with is, "Please. I don't want to leave you."

"You can live without me, Blair." His voice is flat and tight.

"Maybe. But I wouldn't want to." My words hang in the air between us. Just when I'm convinced that Jim's not going to answer, that he's gone back to not thinking about things he can't have, he reaches over and covers my hands with his. I hold on as tight as I can, willing him to stay with me forever.

"He will have friends soon."

Mura nods and looks at the baby sleeping in my arms. "Yes. Tiranu will have her baby before the moon is full. And perhaps someday...."

Smiling, I complete her thought. "Someday, he might have brothers and sisters." I like the thought of that. Hisi is still spending as much time as he can with Joramo, and I think the baby is starting to like him. Mura is definitely starting to like him, even though she's not ready to let him know. They'll have time for all that.

I ease Joramo back into Mura's arms... he's getting so big. He sighs and burps, but he doesn't wake up. Lifting my bag from the ground, I stand and look around the hut for the last time. Jim and I aren't taking anything with us that the Direma might be able to use -- I've got my notebooks, and Jim's got his knife and a few things he kept from the helicopter that crashed, but that's everything.

"He should be happy growing up here." Jim and I offered the hut to her, and she accepted. After all, she'll need a place to work if she's going to be the tribal healer. She can't live in her father's hut all her life, especially with Joramo and his eventual siblings running around....

"Blair?" I turn around, but Mura's not looking at me. Almost shyly, she says, "Thank you for giving my son a name."

I manage a smile. "It was my pleasure." I leave the hut, knowing she won't expect anything more of a farewell. The Direma don't do goodbyes. Why say goodbye to someone until you're sure they're never coming back? They only say goodbye to the dead... and even then, there are exceptions.

At any rate, there's no one waiting to see me and Jim off. No one except Kurali, that is. As I walk to the edge of the village, he steps forward to meet me. Jim stays where he is.

Quietly, Kurali says, "I will miss you." His tone suggests that he doesn't care if I believe him or not. I do.

"I know you will."

"Take care of him." Smiling very slightly, Kurali reaches out and grips my shoulder hard. Then he turns and walks away.

I watch him go, then I slowly go over to Jim's side. He looks down at me. "You ready?"

"No. How about you?"

Very carefully, Jim lifts a hand to my hair, stroking through it. "Not really."

"Glad we agree." I let him pull me into his arms. Closing my eyes, I just stand there for a few seconds, holding him. "It'd be nice if we had a choice, wouldn't it? That'd be so great, man."

"Yeah." Jim kisses the top of my head. "But we don't."

I stand away from him, but I keep one arm around his waist. I don't look behind me as we go into the jungle.